Guatemala 2010: To Todos Santos

So apparently I get carsick now. Yeah. It has happened too many times consecutively now for me to pass it off as mere coincidence. Yep. This sucks. It looks like I might just have to walk back to the airport ‘cause the last thing I want to do is climb onto another chicken bus. And it is not just chicken busses that are doing this to me: I shelled out the big bucks for a private shuttle the other day (a minivan of sorts) and still, I got ill. Ugh. I should be sick from what I have been eating as I’ve been eating pretty much everything that sits on the list of things white people shouldn’t eat in foreign lands, yet, it’s the busses that are making my stomach unwell. I haven’t actually thrown up yet, but still, the general malaise is nearly unbearable. This could become a very serious problem if it persists…

I am currently in the town of Todos Santos, population about 3500. It is BY FAR my favorite place in Guatemala. It’s very real here. I am one of maybe 6 white people, and as The Moon Guidebook puts it: “Todos Santos is remote and largely retains its traditions. You’ll still see the men wearing traditional attire consisting of bright red pants with thin white strips and a zany striped shirt featuring an oversized embroidered collar. The women are equally stunning in their purple embroidered dresses.” I will try to get a picture of these things, though I need to develop some relationships before I can snap the photos.

Todos Santos is also exceptionally poor, so poor in fact that when I walked into a house this afternoon, it actually shocked me (and that is hard to do these days). The house I am staying in is relatively nice though, so that is nice. Most families have at least one member in the US working (probably illegally, but perhaps not). In fact, the sisters of the family I am staying with live in Oakland and it really took me by surprise when they asked if that was where I lived. Seriously, who asks if you are from Oakland? So generally the sentiment towards the US in this town is generally good and I see jackets, houses, and cars all sporting American flags. The feelings for America are much better here than it is in the rest of the country right now, but that is quite possibly due to that new bill/law in Arizona that everyone seems to know about (I don’t know much about it personally, but it has been in the national paper, and usually on the front page, for the last week).

Todos Santos is tucked into a dramatic valley with stunning cliff walls. We dropped down into this valley on my very miserable bus ride here, so we are lower than the plateau by about 1500 feet, though my lungs still tell me we are high. I would guess the elevation here is about 9000 feet. It is cold now that we are into rainy season too. In the afternoons we get these deluges of water pouring from the sky that are simply incredible. This afternoon, I saw a woman about taking some weaving classes (because when in Rome...). As we left the school it was kinda sprinkling. We walked about 10 minutes to her house and by that time it was pouring. We were there for ten minutes then walked back to the school, and the streets turned into rivers. So much water. Then we got back to the school, and it was flooded. Luckily, not more than a centimeter of water, but the street had flooded and thus, so did the buildings with doors at street level along it.

I immediately came to the rescue. I built a little levee to divert the flood waters away from the door (effectively just making it someone else’s problem) with my bare hands and in my bare feet (I took my shoes off to try to keep them somewhat dry). The levee worked fantastically, actually. Then after preventing more water from entering, we were able to sweep out the water that had already poured in. All and all it was wildly successful and gave my day a bit of purpose. Thank goodness I have all those credentials that allow me to move rocks and gravel around like a little kid playing in the mud.

I was soaked to the bone after this so stripped my wet clothes off and wore a big wool blanket the rest of the afternoon while waiting for the rain to stop before walking home. This was, on the surface, a good idea but as good as it felt at the time, I had to put on my cold wet jeans to get home three hours later and that was pretty terrible. Now I am back home, still wet, and wearing every other piece of clothing I brought along on this trip. I stopped by the store on the corner to look for something warm and dry (my jacket is soaked) and almost bought this pastel pink sweatshirt with a giant, stereotypically Latin-American Virgin Mary embroidered on the back. I kinda still want to. It would be awesome. I could wear it around Oakland.

Before I got to Todos Santos I went back to Xela for the full moon volcano hike that I’d been excited about for a month now. But when I got to Xela, I found out the hike was canceled ‘cause the volcano next door (volcán Santiaguito) had been spewing ash and gas at an above average to alarming rate.

So I was disappointed, but we all went out for some drinks that night and had fun, so it was ok, I suppose.

We ended up getting a little glimpse into the gay nightlife here in Guatemala in one of very few places where it might marginally be accepted. We went to a bar around 8:30 and stayed ‘til 1am. When we first arrived it was totally indistinguishable from any other bar, but as the night wore on, the ladies trickled out and the well-dressed men trickled in. By about midnight, my new friend Cine (see-na) and I were the only ladies. Even then, though, we weren’t totally sure and honestly if you weren’t a trained observer, you probably would not have caught on, but it was. I think subtlety still has to be the way of life here for these fellows.

I have to say, I feel like the folks I’ve met in Xela have turned into real friends. I mean, Joe I knew already, so he hardly counts, but the rest of them, they are good, solid people and I am sad to leave them behind.

Picture this: an old school bus, circa 1985. Now, paint the bus green and the blue bird logos on the top red. Add some red flames along the bottom. Black out the top third of the windshield and write something like “I go with Jesus” in that old English font favored by the hispanic world over top the black on the outside. On the inside top third of the windshield, lay Astroturf. Add a blingy chrome grill and a chrome air-intake on the hood. Plaster the inside of the roof with giant Winnie the Pooh, Looney ‘Toons, and Transformer decals. Weld handles onto the top of every seat. Then hang a bouquet of gaudy plastic flowers from the center of windshield.

Now, add the Latino equivalent of Billy Maze, the infomercial king, selling a magic snake oil that will cure ALL your troubles for the price of only 10 queztales.

But wait! If you buy today, he’ll double the offer, and you can get two magic snake oils for the price of one. That’s an incredible deal. But Billy can see you’re not sold just yet, so here, why don’t you try some snake oil. Just a little, can’t you feel it working? Yeah that’s good stuff. Anything that ails you, this oil can cure. Billy had a friend once who had a scar on his elbow and after only 10 days of using the oil, it was gone. Incredible! Billy himself used to have serious pain in his back but after only 10 days of rubbing on the oil (apply in the morning and at night) the pain went away and never returned. Ok, ok, so Billy can see that you are driving a hard bargain. This is his final offer: two snake oils for 5 quetzales. You’ll never see an offer like this again…

Except I did see an offer like that again. Three times. The infomercial hombres climbed on the bus and each gave their spiel: one for a soap, one for a cream, and one for a vitamin supplement. Each one of these wonder products possessed amazing curative powers for any ailment under the sun. Your husband snore? Slip him one of these and in ten days you will be sleeping peacefully. Your hair thinning? Rub this cream on and you’ll feel like a young man. Joints hurt? Got warts? Feeling worried or depressed? Billy has the cure…Maybe I should have bought one and tried it for my motion sickness.